Ripples in the Lake
by EmbraceDiversity
Summary: A series of drabbles between Zevran Aranai and Kadrian Mahariel. For Mahariel week. Image drawn by Marika Czajkowa
1. Restless

**Restless**

_I'm a murderer._

Kadrian Mahariel first thought this when making his first kill to achieve adulthood. The clan had celebrated his ascension and he acquired his vallaslin. He remembered Tamlen sitting beside him, straining not to laugh as their faces burned from their new markings. Their kills would be used for food, and killing was absolutely necessary for the clan's survival. He knew all of this, those were the rules and laws of his people. It didn't make him feel better.

Tamlen had laughed at him and called him sentimental. _"Sometimes doing what is necessary isn't always easy."_ He'd said. _"But it has to be done. If you feel that strongly about it, wish their spirits a safe journey to the afterlife."_

So he did. During every hunt Mahariel would send a small prayer for the lives he'd taken, and doing so brought him a sense of relief. Later, his ritual became more about respecting the cycle of life than pitying the creatures that fell to his bow.

He applied this principle once Duncan removed him from his dalish life. Thrown into the chaotic world of humans, Kadrian stumbled. Taking the lives of darkspawn came easier to him than killing wildlife. In his mind, he was releasing the corrupted creature from its pain and suffering. The taint was unnatural, a curse bestowed upon the land due to human's folly. All the same, he would complete his silent ritual. He prayed their spirits cleansed, their journey in the afterlife a more pleasant experience than the one they'd lived. Even killing those not tainted, humans and flat-ear….city elves, didn't fill him with the same sense of unease he'd had as a youth. He prayed for their spirits and moved on.

Tonight, he'd held his best friend's life in his hands. Ran Tamlen through with his sword and watched with tears streaming down his cheeks as the light died in those tainted eyes. Horror and disgust warred for supremacy in Kadrian's heart. Instead of prayer, he screamed to the heavens in his sorrow until his throat went raw. Deep down he knew he'd done the right thing. Tamlen would have suffered had he not slain him. Knowing the truth wouldn't fill the gaping hole in his heart. It wouldn't bring him back.

_I never told him I once loved him._

_There were so many things left unsaid._

_And I killed him._

_I'm a murderer._

Kadrian left the campsite, ignoring Alistair's attempts to placate him and avoiding Zevran outright. He didn't want to talk to either of them right now, especially not the Antivan. There would be nothing but pity in their eyes, and seeing it would only anger him.

_Tamlen deserved a better life than this._

He paced the woods in a restless mood, anger washing over him in waves. His skin crawled, limbs itched for more movement. Kadrian ran, weaving through the trees until his lungs burned and his legs gave out under the strain. He sat there in the middle of the forest and wondered why he was spared in place of Tamlen. Could such a life be considered a blessing by the Creators, or was this a sick and twisted joke of the Dread Wolf?

As the first amber rays of light drifted over the horizon he prayed for release. For Tamlen and for himself.


	2. Withdrawn

Withdrawn

For the first time in Zevran's life, he was at a complete loss of how to proceed with a lover. The dalish warden, an exquisite specimen of manhood if he did say so himself, completely confounded him. Their first and only night together had been quite delightful in his humble opinion. Mahariel had surprising experience pleasuring another man. Skills he claimed to have learned during the last Arlathvhen with an elf from another dalish clan. While not the best lover Zevran ever had, Mahariel had been eager and a quick learner, he'd believed things had gone well.

What changed?

After clearing the air on where they stood, more for Zevran's confused state of mind than anything else, the Warden became different. Gray eyes that had glimmered with innocent curiosity became dull and jaded. Mahariel stopped smiling and became more withdrawn. Even the cold-hearted witch and the stoic qunari made comments on the Warden's new temperament, but none outright challenged him. The reluctant leader took on the heavy burden of responsibility with more grace and ease than before. On the battlefield he remained unmatched. His blades cut through his enemies with expert precision and a ruthlessness Zevran had never seen before.

Worst of all, the Warden had yet to invite him back into his tent for another round. Zevran had thrown hints, flirted, even made semi-lewd comments. All in vain. Were it not for the dalish gloves he currently wore and the fact that Mahariel still took him on group excursions, he would have began to believe there was some sort of animosity between them. As it stood, he could only deduce that taking one step forward in their relationship had actually taken them two steps back.

Except they didn't have a relationship, at least not one Zevran clearly understood. He enjoyed the Warden's company both in and out of bed. While ignorant toward humans and the city life, Mahariel displayed a degree of intelligence and open-mindedness dalish weren't known for. He accepted the humans in his party with ease, was curious about the qunari and had never looked down on city elves. A few times he slipped up and said 'flat-ears' concerning some elven servants, but he'd immediately corrected himself with an apology. The Warden _tried_, which was more than Zevran could say of any dalish he'd ever met in Antiva.

They weren't exactly friends. In the beginning, Mahariel was glad to have found a fellow elf, even if said elf had tried to kill him. Zevran had thought to use this to his advantage initially, for the Warden behaved much like a little puppy eager to please his new master. The others side-eyed him of course, but he kept smiling and continued to worm his way into the Warden's heart. Their night should have been a mark of success, a sign things were going as planned. Everything was going downhill between them, however, and he strangely felt a mixture between miffed and relieved. He wanted the Warden's affections, but deep down feared what would happen to him in the process.

He never believed he would miss Mahariel's goofy smile. His mood only grew worse once their camp was attacked by a bunch of shrieks. A strange assassination attempt by the darkspawn, but he learned one of the creatures was none other than the Warden's best friend. That event changed the Warden forever.

Time passed, and Zevran was unable to deny his growing affection toward the elven warrior. Mahariel welcomed him back into his tent, but the innocent warmth of before vanished. Even in bed his warden remained withdrawn, seeking only release and little more. Few moments of affection would seep in; Mahariel had since given Zevran a lovely gift of Antivan leather boots he would forever treasure. Little touches and longing glances let him know the old Warden still lingered behind the thick wall erected. A craving began to settle within him, the growing desire to be something more than a good lay and a pretty face. His longing frightened him; such feelings were dangerous for an assassin. His masters would be ashamed of him for his weakness, but he had no control over his emotions.

He was obviously ill with no cure in sight. Worse of all, Zevran wasn't sure if he wanted one. What he wanted was to know if he had done something to offend Mahariel and somehow make amends. But how could someone fix what he didn't know was broken?


	3. Naming Day

Naming Day

Beautiful golden eyes was the first thing Kadrian saw upon awakening. Pouty lips curved up in a sensual smile.

"Good morning, amore –"

It took him a moment to recognize the beautiful elf as his lover, but instincts kicked in first. A blink and Zevran was flipped over on his back, a blade to his throat. The assassin blinked rapidly a few times in astonishment at his predicament before letting out a hearty laugh.

"Well, that should serve me right for attempting to surprise a warrior." Zevran said with a wink. "And such a fierce expression! It makes me tremble with excitement." He shivered for effect as Kadrian rolled off of him with a loud sigh.

"Creators, Zev. You nearly scared me to death." Mahariel placed the dagger on his nightstand. Long dark brown hair spilled down his back and over his shoulder. Still lying down, Zevran ran his fingers through the silky strands, his eyelids lowering as desire settled in. Months of travel, time spent away from the one he loved. He scanned over Mahariel's frame, noting new scars on what was once smooth dark brown skin. His gaze drifted up to meet steel grey eyes drinking him in.

"Mmm, but it was so totally worth it." His calloused fingers trailed down the dalish elf's arm, tracing over corded muscles. "By the way, you were ridiculously difficult to find this time. So close to the Anderfels…may I inquire as to why or is it a Grey Warden secret?"

Kadrian put a finger to his lips in response and mouthed the word 'Later'. So they were likely being monitored, then? He would have to make sure they put on a show then. He rolled over on his knees and crawled over. "Never mind." Zevran made sure to lower his voice an octave and smiled as Kadrian's breath hitched in response. There was nothing quite like returning to a loved one knowing you were missed and desired. A marvel feeling, one Zevran never took for granted. "I come bearing gifts from my last excursion in Antiva. I had to call on many resources to ensure I made it here on time."

Their lips were inches apart. Kadrian tilted his head as his hand slid up Zevran's arm. "On time?" confusion clouded his expression, his brows furrowing. "What do you mean?"

"Solace 18, your naming day, if I remember correctly." Zevran beamed with pride. "I remember the conversation you and Leliana had once involving the dalish and whether or not they used the same calendar system. You mentioned it then."

"That was…Zev that was well over two years ago. I think. Elgernan, I barely remember the conversation."

"I did not forget and I did not wish to miss this special occasion." Zevran moved to pull back, but Kadrian grabbed a firm hold of his arm. Before he could open his mouth to inquire he was on his back once more with his warden devouring his mouth. He tried to struggle under the barrage of kisses only to abandon all efforts as…oh yes, yes, right _there_.

Pleasure first, presents much, much later.


End file.
